How Your Child’s Nervous System Actually Works
How chronic activation is negatively impacting your student’s ability to learn and succeed
When you ask your child how they are, what do you typically hear? "Tired." "Busy." "Stressed." "Fine" (said in a way that clearly means they're not fine).
As parents and educators, we've normalized this chronic state of activation in our children. We've accepted that being perpetually "on" is just part of modern childhood and adolescence.
But what if I told you there's a biological reason why your child can't seem to truly settle—even during supposed "downtime"? And what if there was something you could do about it?
The answer lies in understanding pendulation—your child's nervous system's natural ability to flow between states of activation and genuine rest.
🧠 Your Child's Nervous System: The Ultimate Survival Tool
Your child's nervous system is constantly scanning their environment, asking: "Am I safe? Do I need to be ready for action? Can I relax?"
In an ideal world, this system would work like a dimmer switch—turning up for challenges, turning down for rest. But for most children today, it's stuck in the "on" position.
Why? Because their environment is sending constant signals that they need to be alert:
Academic pressure that starts younger and younger
Social dynamics amplified by social media
Over-scheduled lives with little transition time
Adults who are also chronically activated (children absorb our nervous system states)
A culture that equates rest with laziness
🏠 The Hidden Cost of Chronic Activation
When your child's nervous system can't pendulate naturally, you might see:
At Home:
Difficulty winding down for bedtime
Emotional outbursts over seemingly small things
Resistance to family time or "boring" activities
Constantly seeking stimulation (screens, activities, noise)
At School:
Despite knowing the work and having the skills
Procrastination or avoidance of tasks
Social conflicts or withdrawal
Physical complaints (headaches, stomachaches)
In Their Future:
Difficulty self-regulating as adults
Relationship challenges due to emotional dysregulation
Chronic stress-related health issues
Inability to be present and enjoy life
🌿 Rethinking "Rest" for the Whole Family
Here's what most families don't realize: Screen time isn't rest time. Neither is being busy with "fun" activities.
True rest—the kind that actually restores your child's nervous system—has specific qualities:
Genuine Rest Includes:
Safety: Physical and emotional security
Stillness: Not processing new information
Silence: Space between stimuli
Slowness: Moving at the body's natural pace
Presence: Being here now, not planning ahead
Family Practices That Support Pendulation:
The After-School Decompression: Instead of immediately asking about homework or their day, create a 10-minute buffer where they can just be. Maybe it's lying on the couch, listening to music, or having a snack in silence.
Bedtime Nervous System Prep: Start winding down 30 minutes before actual bedtime. Dim lights, slow movements, maybe gentle stretching together. This signals to their nervous system that it's safe to rest.
The Weekend Reset: Choose one morning where no one has to be anywhere. No plans, no agenda. Let everyone's nervous system remember what it feels like to move at its own pace.
Family Viparita Karani: Try the "legs up the wall" position together. It sounds simple, but this posture literally shifts the nervous system into rest mode. Make it a family practice—lie on the floor with legs up the wall for 5-10 minutes.
🔄 Teaching Your Child to Pendulate
The beautiful thing about pendulation is that it's not a skill you need to teach—it's a natural capacity you need to allow.
Help Them Notice:
"I notice you seem pretty wound up. What does your body need right now?"
"Let's take three deep breaths together and see what we notice."
"What would help you feel more settled?"
Normalize Rest:
"Rest isn't lazy—it's necessary."
"Your body worked hard today. It deserves to relax."
"Even your brain needs time to process everything you learned."
Create Rhythm:
Build in transition time between activities
Protect some unscheduled time each day
Model your own rest practices
💔 When Pendulation Is Disrupted: A Deeper Look
Some children have experienced trauma, chronic stress, or neurodevelopmental differences that make natural pendulation more challenging. If your child seems unable to access calm states despite your best efforts, this isn't a parenting failure—it's information.
Consider seeking support if:
Your child has extreme reactions to minor stresses
They seem unable to self-soothe, even with support
Sleep, appetite, or social functioning is significantly impacted
You notice regression in previously developed skills
Professional support can help restore their nervous system's natural rhythms through trauma-informed therapy, occupational therapy, or other specialized approaches.
The Ripple Effect: Your Nervous System Matters Too
Here's something many parents don't realize: your child's nervous system co-regulates with yours. If you're chronically activated (I hear ya!), they might well be too.
This means that supporting your child's pendulation starts with supporting your own:
Notice your own activation patterns
Practice genuine rest (not just collapse)
Seek support when you need it
Model healthy boundaries with work and technology
💭 A Final Thought
Your child's nervous system is still developing. The patterns they learn now about activation and rest inform their being in the world.
By helping them rediscover their natural rhythm of pendulation, you're not just improving their childhood—you're giving them a foundation for lifelong wellbeing.
We're all learning how to navigate this together. What would feel most supportive for your family as you explore these ideas?
Wishing you and your family a discovery and kind, curious learning all season long!
Wishing you kind learning,
xo Deena
